Some time ago the seed of a plan was planted in my brain. It looked quite likely that I would be moving from Toronto, at least temporarily, and just after my freelancing career was getting started. How would this work? What was my job? Could I do what I do in another country? In a town? At a cabin? Let me back up. ¶ Four years ago I made the decision to work part-time with the agency where I was employed. Since I had paid my dues with them, and for other reasons, they agreed. I would work three days a week for a salary that I felt was more than what I needed (Sidebar: this is a very real avenue for very many people who think it is impossible. Look into it!). I would spend those other two days working exclusively on what I guess you could call investment projects—projects that didn't actually pay the rent but one day might—and life was good. The main point of that exercise was to prove to myself that it was possible to have a "real job" that didn't take over the majority of my time. I am, and have always been, disposed to anxious feelings when I feel overwhelmed by a structure from without. ¶ The first time I can remember feeling this way was in grade four. Up to that point I had always enjoyed the freedom inherent in Western schooling. My teacher in grade four, however, managed to turn school into work and work into stress and, as a result, I had my first anxiety problem. It manifested itself in a deep reluctance to get out of bed on Mondays and a feeling of despair throughout the day. I remember it lifted that spring when the prospect of travelling overseas to Cyprus presented itself. The next time it hit was in grade twelve. I went to another high school's dance and all of a sudden I felt like I popped out of my skin. Again with the despair, but along for the ride came a temporary bout of hypochondria brought on by a very real case of anxiety. Nothing except the good guidance of smart doctors (and one dumb one) helped me on my way. I decided that university would take care of itself and that worrying about honour rolls and marks was a fool's game. I still believe that, but everyone has a different take. Since high school I've had a few episodes, but we're really just talking about a fairly normal thing; I write about it because I feel this sort of thing is quite common. It's a hobby horse of mine because I've been able to gain a substantial amount of happiness by working through my shortcomings. ¶ So I moved to part-time work in part for my sanity and in part for my future. However, I knew the move was temporary. Ultimately I knew that I would work for myself but I wasn't ready. This sort of self-knowledge is easy to write about now but nearly impossible to recognize in the moment. I did, however, appreciate the aesthetic beauty of transition and decided it was a sensible (read: higher probability of success) thing to do. I'm one for not shying away from the Big Important Decisions but it's quite clear that these decisions need the help of a thousand smaller moves. ¶ In April 2005 I finally gave my notice effectively ending my employed career. Since then I've been self-employed. It's been the best year of my career (big surprise when you consider the build-up) and even though it rightly scared the youknowwhat out of my folks and herself, I had the advantage of self-knowledge (as skewed as that can get) to help me through it. For some reason the prospect of having no money just doesn't have a grip on me and that fact alone has been part of the reason why the year has worked. It's not for everyone but for everyone it's for, it's a blessing. But that's just the start! ¶ And so here I am at the Gladstone Hotel, writing my 601st post on, for the first time, a notebook computer that is poised to become my mobile canvas, workstation, and tool of my trade. I did some real work today, too, which pleases me, but the real importance of today is clearly the personal meaning it holds for me. It's the first day of quite literally a world of possibility. And for once I'm talking about this actual world.

Labels: Freelancing, Musings, Toronto

¶ 12:42 PM
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